He left me!! Why!!!! He always over reacted to little irritations from me. I wasn’t allowed to be a little mad at him. He would always do some crazy thing to gain control of my emotions. Yet, I loved him with all my heart!
After all we had gone through; I couldn’t understand why he left me. We had made a commitment to stay together till the end. He did not follow through with our agreement. My daughter warned me that he was acting odd and to come home from taking the grand-kids home and sure enough he had taken the motor home and all the money out of the bank. John I and loved hard and fought hard.
My father had just passed away, my job had fallen apart, my co- worker has stage four cancer. I had been John’s caretaker for a hip replacement, cancer and a year before he shop lifted and got caught. He was terrified they would arrest but they didn’t. They just banned him from shopping there. Now this is a man you would never guess in a million years he would do something like that. Of course he did it when we had just had a disagreement. He had an attention hole no one could possible fill.
Right after reconciliation from his alcoholism a week after we were happily living together he collapsed in my arms in our bathroom from blood loss I had to call 911….rushed him to ER.
We discovered he had colon cancer…of course he had signs and he ignored them. I have been surrounded by a lot of close people fighting cancer. I feel like I’m playing dodge ball with it myself.
John was an awesome guy. He was well liked and he loved practical jokes. We both liked living on the edge and looking for adventure in our everyday lives. We both loved the Lord and I put God first. I don’t think John really knew how to live that way. I had a powerful appreciation for Jesus dying on the cross for me. It made me want to live His way. When I try to do my own thing God has always stepped into my life to teach me His way instead of mine and things always were easier and I suffered less with my ear to His spirit. It took many years of hard knocks for me to understand the importance of obeying His spirit. All you have to do is listen. He will let you know. I hoped that my walk with Him would help me to live a better life here on earth.
Then John leaves me. I just wondered how much more I could take. I actually wanted God to take me home as my heart ache was overwhelming.
I’m just shot from it all. I get some wine out and pour a glass.
I’m a light weight so a little has a big effect. I sat on the patio watching my neighbors packing to move and wondered what the hell happened to my life!
Our town homes were directly across from each other. It was like a fishbowl, we saw whatever some one was doing. I saw them smoking which was unusual. I thought, ya I want a cigarette. I’m going to bum one ….My thinking is if you buy a pack you’re a smoker if you bum one your not. So I take my dogs out with this motive to chit chat and have a smoke with them. We only knew each other by walking our dogs…
I told them my husband had left me. She said” he’s a nice guy but when he puts on the jewelry, make up and women’s. clothes…I said “WHAT!?” her husband was grinning and I said “what did you see” They both described different times and what he was wearing. They thought that I knew because the whole neighborhood knew. I was in shock. I work out of the home. His office was in our home so he was there a lot more than me….My first thought was free pass out of jail. The next day I asked two more neighbors and sure enough they had seen him. I called John and confronted him and he did not deny it. He came home with an extremely down spirit as he knew everything was unraveling.
John consumed me. He always liked taking me back and forth to work…now I know why. He was controlling so he could do his thing without me just walking in.
He has a bear on the wall and a full mount Kodiak Alaska bear from a guided hunt. He also had a large gun and knife collection. So why would I ever suspect that he had traits of a woman.
Then it all added up. He had replaced my makeup because he saw I was getting low...he would go and refill my perfume...he always went shopping with me, always! He called me everyday at work sometimes up to three times just to tell me little things about his day. I was his girl friend. My co-workers got a bit annoyed with him yet he was also well liked by them. I just thought he was so nice!!! When all along I fell in love with a cross dressers traits, so how could I be so angry when that was what I loved! John was more emotional than me.
I have to admit I looked inside myself and saw a lot of male traits and that was why we blended. God has always stepped into my life to teach me. His sexual drive wasn't there. I always thought I wasn’t attractive enough for him and that I was too sexual…it messed with my head big time. I felt like the man in the relationship. He was the woman. He just laid there while I tried to get him excited. Most men would have thought they had died and went to heaven as I gave more to him than most men would ever get from a woman. I always felt I could fix it.
I was so hurt and felt so deceived. I was honest with him about all my history and issues...
We had been married 5 years he was someone I had attended church with 25 years ago. His last wife passed away from cancer and they had been married 22 years. My sister had known them and all had mutual friends from church. He was a man's man. I thought I did good....
In 5 years I came to deal with an alcoholic, shop lifter, hip replacement, cancer, cross dresser.....
The humiliation publicly was over the top...My kids were mortified.
So I got a divorce in one day. I told him all I wanted was 5 years equity in our home I threatened to tell everyone he knew. He didn't fight me. I filed in the courthouse at 8:30 and the judge signed at 1:30.
My anger level was something I had never faced!!! I being a believer said to myself I had to forgive him but my anger was still there. He refused to talk to me about the cross dressing and would flip out if I mentioned it. I was so frustrated.......
6 months in a 600 square foot apartment brewing on this! I was coming UN glued...I still loved him!
I got on the net to be naughty to sign him up for cross dressing sites to be sent to him....but I would cancel at the end knowing that I was doing wrong. I wanted him to hurt! That was when I stumbled onto the gender tree wed site where I got to learn about this behavior. I e-mailed the site and Sandra responded. I thought wow someone cares to help me! From then on we had many e-mail s and phone calls. I really didn’t want to live and Sandra pulled me through thanks to God. My anger had dropped off me. Compassion, forgiveness and empathy replaced it. I had no idea what all that these cross dressers and their families had to go through.
My family, my neighborhood and my co-workers all knew but none of his people knew.
The web site explained it all to me I got healing with in and I really forgave him! Sandra was the only one who could help me and truly God was working.
I called John and told him I forgave him. He was quiet as I talked and told him how I knew him better than himself. Well, he called me for breakfast. We met and I could see a difference in him....he was curious. Afterward he hugged me and said” how did you like that?" and I said” you know what I thought" I didn't want to let him go!!!!!!!!! Forgiveness and love was definitely there.
We went to breakfast again and he decided to show me his new car. A Nissan 350 Z black on black convert able roadster! I said "wow you bought my car" We drove off and had the time of our lives driving on the Oregon coast. He let me drive and I had a big smile as I put the gas pedal down.....He had told me he bought it so he would have a reason to get well from cancer repair surgery, that he had to have due to healing wrong. He was at risk for emergency surgery due to infection. He had had a full year before with me of kemo, radiation, surgery, and heart failure due to kemo. He was only 62. I'm 51. We had many serious talks about life, sickness treatments and death. He told me he didn’t want to live through the surgery. I reminded him about his cool car and me. I still needed him in my life.
We had been through a lot and I saw him suffer so much from it all and was by his side throughout. I asked him if I could be with him during surgery and take care of him afterwards and he said”yes.” I wanted to be with him as my love was stronger than anything I have ever experienced. God was working!
The next day I said” what do you think if I were to buy a sports car like yours?" He said "go for it, you deserve it" So Easter Sunday we took off in his and found an exact one black on black convertible roadster. I bought it and we drove to my apartment following each other in the same cars....matching sports cars!!!!
We knew we both loved each other...we were not apart from then on. Every thing we went through fell off our shoulders. We were so happy to be together. He spent every night with me. I would talk to him about dressing up and he would share a little. He said before he went into surgery he wanted to talk to Sandra to thank him for helping me. So he did and Sandra shared with John aspects of the cross dressers consequences from hiding. John got a measure of acceptance. Guilt and shame were now gone and he knew I loved him despite it all and he could tell I truly had forgiven him and he forgave me as well for my reactions of anger and bitterness. I told him he under estimated me as I might have been kinky enough to look up his skirt! I teased him and we laughed. We had awesome talks about life and death as surgery was in only a week. I told him I wanted to be the one with him that he needed to tell his family. He had lied about me and told them I wanted his money in order to cover up the truth of himself. His friends and family thought I made this all up. Well, I’m not that good of a story teller.
I had told some of his family right when I found out. I was in total shock! I thought they could help their brother. All that did was backfire on me... They all thought I was the bad guy. He told them we had forgiven each other and were friends and that I would be there for him during and after surgery. They didn’t seem to pleased that we had gotten together again but they might not understand the magnitude of real forgiveness that only God can bring.
The day before surgery I drove him around the hills of Portland and tried to keep him occupied he was worried. We got up at 4 am the morning of the 23rd of April and checked him in for surgery. Like always I was by his side through it all. I would dote on him and try to be positive.
I waited 6 hours. He made it through and I thought he was going to make it. They kept him recovery longer than the norm as his pain level was out of control. I went to his room and waited for him. Meanwhile not one of his family members or friends checked on him. I had called to let them know he was in recovery. They finally got him to the room and we smiled at each other. He was miserable. I wiped his head and gave him some water and ice. They kept trying to accommodate his pain with more drugs. His heart rate had zoomed to 125 so they did an EKG but nothing was ever said. His son called and I told him his dad wasn’t doing well and handed John the phone. That was the last time he got to talked to him. A least his son called. I spent the night with John and they finally got him comfortable. The next morning he looked better so I ran home showered took my dogs out. I tried to doll my self up for him. I realized that no one had come to see him so I stopped at the gift shop and bought him a stuffed bear, coffee mug and a card. When I got to the room he looked much better. He told me he got a sponge bath and that it felt good. I showed him the bear and he loved it. I pinned it on the nurses bulletin board and told him when he gets better I’m buying a nerf gun so he can shoot at it.
He told me that he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else but me there with him. I had brought my lap top and afghan to keep myself busy. I always crocheted an afghan during all his medical issues. It was about 1 PM and I got hungry. I told him I was going to go get something to eat and he needed to nap. I closed the curtains kissed him and said I would be back. I had taken an anxiety pill and ate at place near the hospital. I actually ordered a drink which was a mistake as I couldn’t drive afterward so I took a cat nap in the parking lot afterwards. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the past couple of days. I woke up and decided I needed to get back to the hospital. I was going to take my dogs out but I felt an urgency to get back. I decided I can always clean up after the dogs. As I was trying to park my cell phone rang. I answered it and it was John’s surgeon whom we both were close to. He said “where are you?” I started to cry and said I was parking and WHY WAS HE CALLING ME!!! Then he said it “John died.” I don’t even know where I was I turned off the motor and ran!!
I ran into the hospital room # 810 and there he was….no life…..The surgeon, nurse and chaplain watched me scream “you weren’t supposed to leave me yet! I touched his arm kissed his head and waved above him and said goodbye to his spirit as I knew he was ascending to our Lord. I cried so hard my false eyelashes started to fall off and I said “here they go” and the nurse quickly got a tissue. I pulled them off placed them on the tissue and she threw them away.
They then escorted me to this room where people go like me to cry away from others. It had a lot of windows and the surgeon and the chaplain sat with me. They prayed and I sobbed. I started to call all of John’s family first then his friends then his co-workers to tell them he had died. The surgery was too much for his heart. Kemo had damaged his heart. He had to have this repair surgery as he healed wrong from colon cancer surgery a year and one half earlier. He was at risk of infection at anytime and would have had emergency surgery.........My sister and brother in law came to get me from the hospital. I went into Johns' room and he was still there. I gazed at him and touched his arm and said I already miss you. As time went on I was informed through a mutual friend that his brother and one of his friends said I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. How can people be so cruel? I was the only one who was there at that hospital no one came to visit! They all had turned against me. I was the good guy! No one stood up for me after all John had chosen me to be with him in the end and they barred me from the funeral. My sister and John’s friend didn’t want me to be hurt and they discouraged me from going. I didn’t feel right in my spirit about not going but I decided to stay home. Then I realized I didn’t obey God. I listened to man. It was my mistake by not listening to the spirit. Obedience to God is the most important part of my life as He is my life and I doubted His power to see me through the persecution from his family and friends by attending the funeral anyway. I asked forgiveness from my Lord. Who knows what God had planned by me going? I will never know as I disobeyed. I did my best for John.......but lies I can't fight. Just continue to live the way God tells me to. I drove and speeded to his grave in the new car, as he would have wanted me to. I put 24 red roses out. He was buried next to his previous wife, like I didn't even exist....but I do and it was in the end OUR LOVE & OUR BLESSING. As I sit here writing this I remember the 3 weeks he was here with me and how blessed I was. God had mercy on John and I. He gave us valuable time.
The night before the surgery John held me, both of us skin touching skin and said “how does this feel?” I said “like Heaven!”