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The Lambda-Mu chapter had as a guest speaker Dr. Sandra Cole the director of the University of Michigan gender program recently. In a question and answer session one of the wives likened the adjustment to finding out that their husband was a CD to grieving. because she felt she had lost part of her husband. The shock of finding out that your SO is Transgendered is very much akin to grieving, the following is an attempt to help you deal with it. The process is Normal Key concepts
What you are feeling is the spontaneous, natural, necessary feeling-based
process that moves one to separate from a lost dream, fantasy, illusion, or
projection into the future, impels a search for meaning in the light of loss,
and then guides one to more authentic being, expressed through new attachments
that are more congruent with one's evolved, natural self. The process is driven
by the interplay of denial, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, and fear, each of
which serves a specific function. Denial and anxiety are forces that govern the
process of separation from the lost dream, and impel one to undertake the search
for new meaning. Depression, guilt, anger, and fear are the affective states
that impel the examination and redefinition of core existential values, and
prepare one to recommit to the existential tasks of authentic being. Feeling states
Denial helps one buy time to find the inner strength and external resources
that are needed to cope with a feeling of loss. Through the gating process of
the layers of denial, one is eased into an unacceptable, incomprehensible
reality in manageable steps. Anxiety first mobilizes energy, and then impels one to examine personal
definitions of competency, capability, value, and potency, and how such
assumptions shape one's beliefs about the nature of the universe and one's place
in it. Ultimately, guilt prepares one to make commitments, and to assume
accountability for them. Anger impels one to examine core assumptions about the nature of fairness and
justice, and how such assumptions shape one's beliefs about the nature of the
universe and one's place in it. Ultimately, anger prepares one to maintain
boundaries that are consistent with who you are. Fear impels one to examine the basis of one's personal courage, and how such
assumptions shape one's beliefs about the nature of the universe and one's place
in it. Fear prepares one to face the dilemma inherent in risking attachment.
Ultimately, fear impels one to search for the courage to be. Transition is the phase shaped by the dynamics of denial and anxiety, and
focused on the discovery and the adaptation of self. Active growth process shaped by the dynamics of depression, guilt, anger, and
fear, and focused on the discovery and separation from the injured self. Transformation is the process shaped by the dynamics of congruence and the
performance of existential tasks, focused on the uncovering and empowerment of
the whole self. Relating to those in crisis:
In the process of trying to "help" loved ones and friends as they
struggle to deal with the problems they encounter, "helpers" often
feel at a loss to know what to do or how to do it. In addition, knowing when
enough is "enough" is an illusive bit of knowledge. We somehow know
that we are supposed to "relate" to the people we are trying to help
but the definition of "relate" is not always a clear or consistent
concept. Further more, we are often left with an uneasy feeling that, though we
have "related" to the person's feelings and issues, we have just not
done enough. The concept of ENUF was formulated by Dr. Kenneth Moses and Dr.
Robert Keamey to answer the question, "When is enough ENUF?" ENUF
Empathy is the concerted effort to gain an accurate perception of
another's experience, and then to share that perception in one's own words,
unique style and personal manner. It must be intentional, focused and accurate.
It is more than " active listening". Non-judgement is achieved through the helper maintaining a focus that
removes the element of judgment, positive or negative. It is not the task of the
helper to determine whether the person being helped is functioning
"good" or "bad", rather the task is to gain an accurate
perception of the person's experience. Unconditionality is the name given for the beliefs that helpers hold
for the person they are helping. An unconditional posture basically holds that a
person cannot earn respect, value or caring, nor can they lose them. People are
respected, valued, and cared for simply because they are. Feeling-focus is a way of looking at the experience that the person
shares. This focus is contrasted with the content as understood by the helper.
To facilitate or "help" the person who is sharing the experience. The
helper must first focus on that person's feelings, which are the indicator of
the connection between the underlying issues and behavior on the surface. Only
the person sharing the experience knows what it is until it is shared and
understood by the listener. DENIAL INTERVENTION: Helping with Stuckness
Although denial is a part of a normal, necessary and healthy process,
sometimes it is advantageous for all concerned to facilitate the process. When
contemplating such an intervention, it is important to remember that one does
not give up denial unless it is replaced with something that will work better. A
genuine, meaningful relationship often outweighs the benefits of denial.
Therefore, all of the following interventions are done within the context of
ENUF. Level of Denial: Intervention:
Facts Gather behavioral observations from the individual and other first hand
sources, and restate those facts without imposing conclusions or judgments. Conclusions, Provided the individual with impersonal, unbiased exposure to
experts through books, films, or, preferably, in person through support groups. Implications, Process and confront resistance to change by requiring a
commitment and follow through on a helpful task or action.
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Sandra
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