The Elephant
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The Elephant in the Middle of the Room  

There is an elephant in the middle of the room and we know it is there but! 

We need to talk.

As some of you know I am working on a text book with the title “The Day I Learned to be Silent.”  Some of us have learned that lesson way too well! 

Recently I have had a number of wives contact me through Gender Tree with what is essentially the same problem. These may be expressed in other forms and there are other problems intertwined but the common element is “He Will Not Talk TO Me”. You can hear the anguish when wives express this. All of the husbands are transgendered.  

I of course get the same reaction from the transgendered individual as well. “SHE WILL NOT TALK TO ME”. It is however most often with additional qualifiers, she knew about this prior to our marriage and was accepting but now wants nothing to do with it, or she found out a couple of months ago and…    

OK lets talk about Ellie (her fem name) there are a number of ways of looking at her, in this illustration she looks like she is having a great time and it looks like she is deep into gender euphoria (she just came out and wants to dance). She is dressing for the first time and has those fake eyelashes and too much blusher and she is wearing a TUTU, what’s with that. The wife is saying to her self, I don’t even want to think about it and why me and why now and what if the neighbors find out and what if the kids find out and…  

Lets look at it from Ellie’s view point, she has just come out to her wife and is starting to accept her self as a transgendered (T*) individual. This has been a after a life time of denial and suppression. Her T* self is in reality very young (little time of expression) and yes she may be over doing it just a bit.

 This is the third scenario, Time passes and Ellie has been out for some time and the wife wants nothing to do with it, does not what to talk about… This is extremely painful Ellie is trying to share a part of who she is, and to have that rejected hurts deeply. Ellie has gone beyond the tutu and is now dressing more appropriately and with a great deal more style. She may well have had the help of a support group such as Tri-Ess or an e-mail list. The MKO, more knowledgeable other, in one of its iterations.

 The fourth variation on this theme is that the wife now knows and the transgendered individual is reverting to being secretive and WILL NOT TALK. This makes her suspicious and in some cases with good reason. In one case a wife found pictures with DH (dear hubby) en fem with a man. I have known a number of individuals that sought validation of their fem selves with this sort of behavior. This is how ever a small minority. 

 What are the consequences of the elephant in the middle of the room? They take up a great amount of space (you cant see the TV), they may use a lot of the families’ money they take a lot of time and energy to take care of, and even more to ignore! There are a number of other consequences and costs. 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Communications are absolutely vital in a marriage and when communications ceases all sorts of assumptions can be interjected into the relationship, he/she is having a relationship with a ?, she /he is going to leave me for ?...

Last modified: 12/24/13