Randall Wayne
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An Analysis Of A Cross-Dresser’s Testimony – Randall Wayne

© copyright 2006, Caryn LeMur.  Used by permission given to Gender Tree, October 2006. 

Backgound: 

Hi!  My name is Caryn LeMur.  I am a member of the yahoo group, TG-Christians. 

The members of the group were asked their thoughts on the Internet testimony of Randal Wayne, a Christian and a former cross-dresser. 

Here is the link we were given:

http://www.firststone.org/testimonies/Cross_Dressing/cross_dressing.htm 

And, if you wish to read the testimony of Randall Wayne first-hand, it is at the end of this essay, with the appropriate copyright notices.  Per correspondence (October 2006) with Randall Wayne, he has been “free of cross-dressing” since Father’s Day 1997.  So, that means that I’ll be offering an analysis of a testimony, which is a case history that was written concerning an event 9 or so years ago.   

Limitations:
A case history is often a great thing to study, since it is just once piece of a puzzle. A case history is often a disaster to extrapolate as a universal theory that includes all mankind (or even a subgroup of mankind).   

I truly hope you caught the above two sentences.  Really.  Those of us that are scientists are often amazed at well-meaning individuals that hold up one case-history as a map for all to follow.  This is called “weak inductive reasoning”.  It is a form of reasoning, but it is considered weak to state, “I had event Z occur to me, therefore all persons like me shall have event Z occur to them.” 

Just because one man or woman (let’s call her X) self-claims to be “cured” by a modality (that is, a method of treatment) does not mean that every man or woman demonstrating that same set of behaviors as X, has (1) the exact same disease, disorder, defect, etc. that compelled X or will (2) respond in the same manner as X to the offered modality. 

In more humorous terms, if person X

-                          is diagnosed by competent authorities with a form of cancer; and

-                          when traveling through the Amazon River Basin, drinks the juice of exotic Pica-u’ber-olla berries; and

-                          upon returning, discovers the cancer is totally gone; and

-                          documents their testimony/case-history in the Internet (or even a medical journal);

-                          we then do the following (please pick only one answer):

A.     Invest in Pica-u’ber-olla berry farms in the deep Amazon;

B.     Encourage scientific research in the phenomenon. 
 

Well, I hope you picked “B” above.  So, let’s encourage research into testimonies of persons that claim to be “cured” of any transgendered (TG) behaviors.  And, let’s do this research and/or analysis as fairly and impartially as possible. 

What is a paradigm?
A paradigm is simply a model used during the analysis of an event or (in this case) the analysis of an assertion. 

“The power is in the paradigm.” 

The above is one of my favorite sayings.  A paradigm allows us to perform analysis, but also is a filter that can influence our analysis.  The “power” is in the paradigm.   

A good paradigm must allow us to examine multiple events (or testimonies from multiple persons) from a position of neutrality.  True neutrality is not possible (since the paradigm itself can filter the analysis), but as time goes on, we should be willing to modify the paradigm based on the case histories that are studied. 

In this analysis, I will propose one preliminary step, and then four steps of analysis within the paradigm.   

The preliminary step. 

The first preliminary step is to review the event or assertion, and determine if the event is (1) second-hand hearsay or (2) personal testimony.  While we can do an analysis of hearsay, we cannot often separate the filter of the hearsay author from the actual person being quoted.  It is often much safer (and probably a more accurate analysis) to review “personal testimony”. 

I think that I'd put this case history of Randall Wayne into the file of "Transgendered Behaviors" and “personal testimony – not hearsay”. Randall’s written testimony is very clear on his history of cross-dressing behaviors.  This testimony does not appear to be hearsay by a second or third party.  So, Randall’s testimony is worth examining via a paradigm.

The paradigm for SOC analysis. 

A “SOC” is a standard of care. 

The paradigm that I am proposing is a classic paradigm.  Yes, I stole it from a thousand sources I can no longer remember. 

The paradigm consists of 4 steps:

(1)   definition,

(2)   diagnosis by competent authority,

(3)   standard of care (SOC) proposed/executed, and

(4)   percentage of success/failure.
 

And, the paradigm has 3 views:  Randall’s view of Randall’s behavior, a Scriptural View of similar behaviors, and of course, the author’s analysis.  In this case, the third view is Caryn’s analysis, right? 

Now, Randall’s view must be extracted from his testimony.  The Scriptural View is extracted from the Bible, especially the New Testament.  And Caryn’s view is extracted from Caryn (and do feel free to disagree with Caryn, right?).


So, let’s make a matrix:  with 4 points on the left and 3 columns on the top:


- The four points would be (1) definition, (2) diagnosis by competent authority, (3) standard of care (SOC) proposed/executed, and (4) percentage of success/failure.


- The 3 columns would be labeled: Randall's view of Randall’s behavior, Scripture's view of similar behaviors, Caryn's view of Randall’s testimony (in light of the both preceding columns).

That's 12 boxes (or intersections) in the matrix, right?
 

So, the paradigm would look something like this:

 

Paradigm for Standard of Care (SOC) Analysis

 

Randall’s View of Randall’s behavior

Scripture’s View of similar/same behaviors

Caryn’s View of Randall’s testimony (in light of both preceding columns)

Definition

 

 

 

 

Diagnosis By Competent Authority

 

 

 

SOC Proposed/Executed

 

 

 

Percentage Of Success/Failure

 

 

 

 

Remember, you (the reader) is encouraged to use this paradigm (and often should) to give a solid and thorough analysis of anyone’s assertion of a SOC, or their testimony of a SOC.


I'll give it a go.....concerning Randall Wayne’s testimony.

Row 1, Definition.


- Randall's view: he is self-defined as a cross-dresser. Randall views "cross-dressing" as a sin or an improper imitation of Jesus Christ.


- Scripture view: allows for a trinity-like (triune) view of mankind, that is, we are composed of "spirit, soul, and body" [I Thessalonians 5:23]. Therefore, any behavior, to include transgendered behavior, can occur due to compelling forces that are spiritual and/or mental and/or physical.  For example, “madness” behaviors can be due to (1) demon possession (per examples in the Gospel), and/or (2) due to mental disorders (e.g., schizophrenics, etc.), and/or (3) physical disorders (e.g., strokes in the middle-aged can produce babbling – which may be considered ‘madness’ depending on the culture’s medical view point).


- Caryn's view: It is very possible that Randall self-defined his behavior accurately (as solely a spiritual issue). However, his statement in his testimony that he struggled with this for 30 years hints at other compelling forces in the mental or physical arena being involved.

Row 2, Diagnosis By A Competent Authority.

- Randall's view: since Randall self-defined his transgendered behavior as solely a spiritual issue, he sought out the advice of a ministry worker (Mr. Stephen Black) and later, a Christian counselor (Ms. Kim Gately). The ministry worker’s and the counselor's licensed credentials, or experience in working with transgendered behavior, are not given within the testimony. 

 [Research conducted on the firststone.org website shows that Mr. Black is an ordained minister by International Ministerial Fellowship (IMF).  Mr. Black’s formal schooling is unknown.  The same research yielded no further information on Ms. Gately.]

- Scripture view: insists that a thorough investigation be conducted [Deut 19]; insists that experienced/ knowledgeable counselors be used [Job 38:2]; insists that the counselor not be given over to wickedness [Psalms 1:1]; encourages that there be several counselors (not just one) [Proverbs 15:22]; highly recommends that the counsel be based on the words of Jesus [Matthew 7:24, 25].
 

- Caryn's view:


-- IF Randall's compelling force was ONLY spiritual in nature, then the counsel of the ministry worker (now pastor) and counsel of the Christian counselor were most likely knowledgeable, not given over to wickedness, qualifies as more than one counselor, and appears to be based on the selected words of the Bible.


-- IF Randall's compelling forces also included mental or physical issues, then Randall may have been better served by seeking out an additional counselor knowledgeable in working with LGBT issues and/or alternative life-style issues. A team of three counselors is more complete:  pastor/Christian counselor (for spiritual issues); mental health licensed counselor (for soul, or mental issues), and an MD for physical issues.  A triune view of the transgendered behaviors can provide a more complete view of the behaviors than a singular view.


--- It is also possible that an MD knowledgeable of hormone restoration theory, would have agreed to see the effect of transdermal Testosterone on Randall (for some men, this restores a sense of "manliness". For Caryn (who tried this via andro), it aggravated a sense of rage and anxiety).


--- It is also possible that transdermal estrogen could have been attempted to observe its effect. For many with Gender Identity Disorder (GID), this provides mental clarity (for some cross-dressers, this provides a strange confusion since they are now loaded with testosterone and estrogen - be careful).


--- It is also possible that anti-androgens could have been attempted to observe its effect. For fetish cross-dressers, this can kill the urge to "be female"; for those with GID, this provides a sense of mental clarity and the desire to feminize continues. This is a test for "transsexualism" that is used by some European doctors.


Row 3, SOC Proposed and/or Executed.

- Randall's view:  

-- Randall appears to have followed a SOC consistent with his self-diagnosis: prayer, self-confrontation, review of family history, repentance, and meditation on the scripture. Self-discipline and self-control also seem highly implied. ‘Christ was not a cross-dresser’ seems to be a strong theme. "Spiritual warfare" is mentioned more than once, to include 'rebuking' thoughts of cross-dressing as if the thoughts were introduced by an outside entity ("demon").  Affirmation by his wife of his “manliness” and expanding his (male-presentation) wardrobe are also mentioned as part of Randall’s SOC.
 

-- The actual SOC offered by Randall’s ministry worker (now pastor) appears to have been summed up as “Jesus was not a cross-dresser and that if Jesus is our model, then we should pattern our lives after Him.”   The SOC of the Christian counselor is not explicitly stated in Randall’s testimony.  However, Randall’s testimony implies that Randall interpreted the counselor’s SOC as based on Romans 6, which is as examining the lack of benefit in cross-dressing, being ashamed of cross-dressing, understanding that cross-dressing resulted “in death”, realizing or being set free from sin, and having become “slaves to God”.  [The phrase “in death” does not imply suicide, but rather spiritual death.]


- Scripture's view:


-- If righteousness could come by the Law of Moses, then Christ's death was in vain [Galatians 2:21] -- thus prayer, self-confrontation, repentance, meditation, self-discipline and self-control imposed by a believer is shown to be of lesser effect. Greater effect is shown via meditation upon the mercies of God, which in turn, can cause a person to give their life to God as a ‘living sacrifice’ [Romans 12:1, 2]. Numerous case histories on the Internet point to the Transgendered 'binge and purge' cycle that can be created by self-imposed righteous actions.


-- "Forgiveness" is taught multiple times by the scripture and may also help with the Transgendered behavior if the behavior's compelling force includes bitterness, hatred, revenge, etc.  [The last parable in Matthew 18 covers forgiveness, and its necessity, very well].   

--- Note that “reparative” theory is highly dependent upon a view of “forgiveness” in repairing previous relationships, at times including real-life interaction that is positive [often with a father-figure substitute].  However, reparative theory is based on the concept of singular cause and singular cure, and further tends to avoid scriptures that speak of cures being denied the petitioner.

 

-- The concept of one’s wife being a “suitable helper” is consistent with Genesis 2:18.  The concept of one’s wife obeying and revering the husband’s role is consistent with I Peter 3:6.


-- Christ was perfect and without sin [II Corinthians 5:21]. We are earthen vessels with limitations (jars of clay with treasure in us) [II Corinthians 4:1].


-- Christ always appears to have chosen the perfect path of the Father's highest will for His life in speaking or actions/works [John 7:16-18]. We are allowed to review our "situation", gifts, weaknesses, and to choose the lesser "right" path [I Corinthians 7].


-- Christ performed miracles in abundance while on earth, and predicted the reduction of miracles after His departure from this earth [John 9:4-5].  Therefore, while a Christian may seek a miracle cure from God, the Christian should not abandon other standards of care [or such an action may become “a test of God” which is forbidden by Christ, per Matthew 4:7]. 

--- It is interesting to note the testimonies of transgendered Christians that figuratively do go “to the highest point of the temple” and then decide to “throw themselves down” insisting on a miracle intervention of God or death.  Sadly, most wake up in the emergency room of the hospital or severally depressed.  Recall that Jesus stated, “Do not put the Lord your God to the test”.  [Matthew 4:5-7 make interesting reading for the Christian that is tempted to play high-stakes with God.]  In Caryn’s opinion, it is good to seek a miracle-cure from God; it is far better to also seek out the other standards of care, such as the HBIGDA SOC with the assistance of multiple counselors.


-- Paul the Apostle was not healed by our Lord Jesus [II Corinthians 12:7-9].  This is further evidence that (1) not all are given miracle-cures and (2) that Jesus may select to leave His follower in a state of “weakness” for purposes of (a) removing the possibility of “conceit”, (b) showing that His grace is sufficient, and/or (c) showing His power as “perfect” in the face of “weaknesses”.


- Caryn's view:  

-- It sounds like Randall had a miracle healing of Jesus. I vote the first, to be honest, but I am a romantic. Randall's autobiography implies the success of all his agony and repentance, self-confrontation, and "spiritual warfare" -- I tend to think that it was an enormous "purge" cycle and (given that many have purged and failed to stop the cycle) that Randall just happened to receive a miracle-cure at that moment in time. Neat! I like success miracle stories! Yes! 

-- I also adore that Randall’s spouse helped to re-assert what appears to be a fragile view within Randall of his own “manliness”.  I love that Randall expanded his male-presentation wardrobe, since he implies mourning for his female clothing and this expanded male-presentation wardrobe appears to have comforted him.  However, given that many Internet cross-dresser testimonies have every variety of husband-wife relationship, and several cross-dressers appear to have expanded male (and female) wardrobes, I have great difficulty in accepting wife-support and wardrobe expansion as universal therapies for transgendered behavior.

 

-- If we extrapolate Randall’s miracle-cure to be the “standard” SOC for all Christians, we have ignored the Scripture’s View that is given above.  What of the TG folks that pray for a miracle-cure and are not granted one (just as happened to Paul the Apostle)?  Then, I think we are wiser in helping those that do not receive miracle-cures to consider the SOC of I Corinthians chapter 7’s principles:  consider your gifts, your weaknesses, and your situation; then consider the “better” path and the lesser “right” path; recognize that shattering your vessel into nothing is not God’s path.



4. Percentage of success/failure.

- Randall's view: 100% success in stopping the wearing of women's clothing. Email follow-up with Randall states, “
I am happy to report that I am still walking in freedom.  It has been since Father's Day of 1997 that I have been free of cross-dressing.  I struggle with flesh and temptation like any other Christian, but not in the area of cross-dressing or gender confusion anymore.” (October 2006)

- Scripture's view: The mature learn to come alongside those that are overcome, considering their own weaknesses, and to gently restore them. This is the Law of Christ [Gal 6:1, 2]. Oddly to those of us that are hyper-sensitive to gender roles and/or identity, the Scripture seems to brush aside our concerns and press on to a much higher view of maturity. (How dare God do such a thing! Gosh!) "Now abides faith, hope, love and choice of clothing..." [I Caryn 13]

- Caryn's view:  

-- I am thrilled that Randall answered my email query.  I really don't care if Randall wears female clothing or male clothing or anything in-between. I would like to know if he has matured to the Law of Christ [which is given in Galatians 6:1&2].  I may correspond with him on the issue of maturity, but we’ll wait and see. 

-- If Randall had returned to CD'ing, no big deal. Hopefully, any that return to CD’ing will be overcome by God's mercy rather than self-guilt. Hey, I'd rather see a CD helping the homeless than a well-dressed man in ultra-macho clothing sitting in a pew and believing that pew-warming is the imitation of Christ.


On a serious note, Randall's measure of success given in his 1997 testimony is not the scriptural measure of success given in Galatians 6:1 & 2.

Or, to point the finger at Caryn:


- Is Caryn a success since she is a transsexual (an extreme within the umbrella of the transgendered), passable, gets looks from guys, can dance, do makeup, is not called "sir" (except on fast food intercoms! Hate that base-boost), has 10 pairs of shoes, and seldom trips on heels?
OR
- Is Caryn a success because she forced herself to sit near a retarded woman at work in the cafeteria, and to ask the lady how things were going, and encouraged her to keep up her school work?

- Will God, at the Judgment Seat, at the Final Day look at Caryn and say, "Hey, this is really important! Listen! Why did you choose 600cc implants, yanno? Anything above 550cc is sin!"
OR
- Will God really turn to the righteous and say, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”…. “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” [Matthew 25:35-40]

 

Conclusion.


Ladies and gentlemen, yes, I slice and dice arguments, and maybe dice them wrong at times, and slice them waaaaay too small. I offer paradigms so that we might analyze the strength and weaknesses of various arguments and/or testimonies (mine, Randall’s, or anyone’s for that matter).

But all this effort of argument and paradigms is so that we will "become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” [Ephesians 4:13-15]

And then, we that are mature will serve Christ, and help his wounded, and his "least". We will live Galatians 6:1 & 2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”


Show me a TG that is soooo hot that she marries a stunning man! Gosh, the stuff of fairy tales and Corbett vs. Corbett.

Show me a TG that gives a cup of cold water to a thirsty disciple. And praise God that is the stuff that earns an eternal reward. [Per Matthew 10:42]

Maybe Caryn can keep all this stuff in perspective, maybe... ya think?

Much love in Christ;

Caryn

carynlemur.com

 Attachment:

 

Cross-dressing and Christianity
A REAL Man's Struggle

Overcoming Cross-dressing!

Randall Wayne's Testimony


This page is for Christian men and their families to get another perspective on the issue of cross-dressing. If you are not a Christian, this page will probably not make much sense and could be taken to be offensive, although that is not my heart in writing this. If you are a Christian man looking for answers in how to deal with cross-dressing, or a concerned spouse or family member of a male to female cross-dresser, I invite you to read further and keep an open mind. So, you have been warned.

There are some in the Christian faith who do not understand cross-dressing and will condemn you. I know where you are coming from and do not condemn you. I am not a therapist or counselor, but I have "been in your heels", so to speak. I am now an ex-cross-dresser (heterosexual M to F) by the grace and healing of Jesus Christ.

My desire is to offer hope to those who are conflicted by cross-dressing and their spiritual beliefs. I am really not looking to debate, but if you or a loved one wants freedom from cross-dressing, you might find hope in my story.  Feel free to email me  if I can help you. 

[Caryn’s note:  Randall’s current email address is "Randall Wayne" rwayne2000@gmail.com. ]


A Really Short Background
In or about October of 1996 I experienced an onslaught of temptation and spiritual warfare in the area of cross-dressing. This strong desire to dress in women’s clothes was totally out of the blue, although it was something that I had experienced before in my life. At times, the temptation was so strong that it was all I could think about. As a result, I could not focus on the normal activities of life. Fortunately, I found help and hope. Today I can truly say after over 30 years of dealing with this, "Thank God I’m free!"

I was an only child, so the closest thing to siblings I had to play with were my girl cousins who were close to my age. Of course, playing with girls meant playing girl games, like playing house and dress up. So, the overall effect was that I was raised in a feminized environment where the female role was dominant and the male role was passive. In my inner being, I found the feminine role attractive, but modeled after the passive male image.

One of my earliest remembrances was when I was about five or six and my mother would have me try on clothes she was sewing for my girl cousins to hem the skirts and make other alterations. As I grew older and into adolescence, I had a strong desire to try on female clothes. I remember finding discarded dresses, wigs, earrings, etc. and trying them on and feeling an erotic excitement. I formed a strong association at that time between wearing female clothing and sexual release. Later in life in times of stress, I would retreat to that same activity to feel relief. This was my secret world where I could fantasize about being beautiful and soft.

On the outside, in many other ways I was a typical boy. I was active in Boy Scouts, worked on cars, liked to go target shooting, and was not feminine at all - just "a nice guy."

Marriage Years
In college, I met and married a wonderful girl to whom I am still married. In the early years of our marriage, my cross-dressing desires were only occasional. I never told my wife of my urge to cross-dress because I was in a state of denial. I really didn't see cross-dressing as a bad thing, just an odd thing.

After we had been married for a few years and had both of our boys, the pressures of work and family seemed to increase my desire to cross-dress. I would look for any occasion to cross-dress, especially Halloween. On unexpected opportunity came at a church banquet where one of the ladies of the church asked me if I would dress up as Dolly Parton. This was a real treat because not only could I cross-dress, but I could do it right at church! During these years, I would feel guilt, confess the cross-dressing as sin, but eventually do it again. I never really admitted to myself I was a cross-dresser.

A strange irony is that my wife is a Mary Kay cosmetics consultant, with a whole closet full of make-up inventory right in my study at home. I guess you might say I was not really a hard-core case because I never took anything from her inventory, but I sure was tempted at times!

Even though cross-dressing was a source of release, it was also a cycle of guilt and shame. Every time I would do it, I would feel shame. The shame would cause me to feel even worse about myself than I did before and I would be tempted to cross-dress again to relieve that shame and so on.

Eventually, I got to the point where I just decided to "white knuckle" it and quit cross-dressing. Whenever a temptation would come along, I would just ignore it. I really didn’t give a thought to cross-dressing for two or three years. I managed to totally repress any feelings or thoughts about cross-dressing. Then, the Lord engineered what I believe to be an incredible set of circumstances.

The Spiritual Warfare
We were happy in our church at the time, but on the day of our 19th wedding anniversary, the Lord impressed both my wife and I that we should move on. "But to where?" we wondered. We decided to visit a new church much closer to home and we were so led by the Lord that we joined. One of the first sermon series was titled "Everyday Victory for Everyday People." This study in spiritual warfare would prove to be life changing.

After going through the study, my wife approached me one day and said that she felt a need to confess a stronghold in her life so that she might be delivered. I already knew about her stronghold, and I said, "Well, since you confessed yours, let me confess mine." In the previous days, I had started to experience some of the old temptations of cross-dressing. I said, "You know I struggle with smoking, but I also have another problem that I have struggled with all my life." At that time I told my wife that I had strong urges to wear women’s clothes. I was also quick to say that I was not asking for her acceptance or permission of any cross-dressing. I also explained that the battle at that point was mainly in my mind and that I had never been unfaithful to her. She handled my confession very well and said she would pray with me about how to deal with this problem.

I decided that I needed more information about cross-dressing, so I logged on to the Internet and started doing searches on "cross-dressing" and "Christian." This proved to be a mistake. I learned everything the world had to say on the topic and I learned what the arguments that other Christians had constructed to justify the behavior. At this point, I became very confused and deceived. I saw so many images of guys like me transformed into beautiful women, that I was really tempted to seek out a makeover for myself.

It was at this point that the temptations and thoughts were almost constant. I was having dreams about being dressed as a beautiful woman and those dreams would set me up for the rest of the day thinking about such things. It was hard for me to work or do anything else with these thoughts constantly bombarding me. I would even fantasize that my wife would go along with and accept my behavior. I was truly deceived. I was truly staring to get concerned that I might start acting out my temptations in public.

I was typical of many male to female cross-dressers in that in all other areas of life, I was masculine in appearance and actions. I also had absolutely no desire for relations with other males, so homosexuality was not part of my problem.

It was at this point that I realized I had a clear-cut decision: either choose the ways of the world or follow after God. I loved the Lord more than I loved the urge to cross-dress, so I made a decision to get Christian-based help.

Coming Into the Light
As I shared this with my wife, she suggested that I get Christian counseling. Almost every resource I found said that cross-dressing could not be cured. Even many of the Christians who had testimonies on the Internet told of how they knew that it was all right to cross-dress - to them it was not a sin, but something fun to do. The only resource I could find on the Internet that dealt with cross-dressing as a sin was First Stone Ministries. I was glad to learn they were in my home city.

The first person I spoke with was Stephen Black. Stephen was the first person to sit down with me and show me Romans 1:18-32. Although I considered myself a mature Christian and student of the Bible, this passage took on a whole new meaning to me. For the first time in this entire episode, I saw that I had been deceived by "the lie" of the enemy. Stephen assured me that Jesus was not a cross-dresser and that if Jesus is our model, then we should pattern our lives after Him.

After my initial visit with Stephen, I started meeting on a monthly basis with a female counselor - Kim Gately. Before I started meeting with her, I did not know whether it was best for me to meet with a male or female counselor. As it turns out, I feel that she was the perfect person to counsel me. I really needed the female perspective on my problem and also on my relationship with my wife. A verse that she shared with me that really helped during times of temptation was Romans 6:21 - 22,

"What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."

Whenever temptation would come, I would remember this verse and it helped me to ask, "Is this going to benefit me?" The answer was always "no," so instead of simply ignoring the temptation, I dealt with it in a rational way.

Around Christmas time, I made a special trip to my parent’s house to talk with them. Although I didn’t share specifics about my problem, I did ask many questions about my upbringing. I discovered some things and I also learned that some events which were significant in my memory, were not remembered by them at all. One of the significant things that happened was hearing my parents say that they never expected me to be perfect. I think that growing up I has felt a perceived (by me) expectation to always be a good boy, never to get into trouble, always make good grades, etc. As a result, there was something in me that wanted to rebel against that expectation, but I never did rebel openly - just in my private world.

It took about two months before the voices in my head started to die down. One night when I was on a business trip, I had one thought too many and got angry enough with the enemy that I resolved to get rid of this thing one and for all. I knew that I was weak, but the Lord is strong. Under the authority of Jesus, I gave the enemy and his demons their marching orders back to HELL.

Soon, I started seeing things much more clearly. I also was able to bring things out into the light with family, which really helped. The more I talked about this with my wife, the more deliverance I received.

A major resource that helped me during this initial time of coming into the light was T.D. Jakes’ book Loose That Man and Let Him Go. I found it to be an excellent book in helping me to learn what it means to be an authentic man of God. A foundational verse that came to mean much (and still does) to me is

I Corinthians 13:11:

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

I realized that cross-dressing was like playing the childish game of "dress up" like I used to with my cousins when I was a child. Cross-dressing also tends to be self-centered, with the cross-dresser expecting others to accommodate their behavior even to the detriment of their families. I could either stay in a childish condition or I could move on and be a man. I chose to be the man God wanted me to be.

Learning to be a man patterned after God’s plan was a matter of learning the truth and modeling after Jesus. I realized that a lifetime of being raised and taught by women had unknowingly feminized me. Actually, I think many men today share this condition. I don’t mean to be sexist, because certainly both male and female models are needed for a balanced upbringing. The problem is that males and females approach life from different perspectives and being exposed to largely the female perspective, I developed a gender confusion.

At this point, my wife ministered to me in two very tangible ways. First, she affirmed my manhood verbally. This was powerful, especially when having sex. Secondly, she helped me upgrade my wardrobe. I think one of the reasons I was drawn to cross-dressing was because I felt women get to wear more stylish clothes. One of the things we did was to buy me some new suits. We got a great deal on some high quality suits at a local discount clothing store and they really helped me feel better about myself.

Something else I started doing at this time was "reality checks." A practical example of this was when I reasoned through the issue of my self-esteem. I had always seen myself as unattractive and I think this also contributed to the cross-dressing urges. While in my confused state, I liked the thought of being beautiful. So, I decided to do a reality check at Wal-Mart one day. While walking through the store I started counting how many people, both men and women, were truly attractive. I still had two unused fingers after the count! Admittedly, Wal-Mart is not where the "beautiful" people hang out, but still I realized that by far most people are average at best and some are just downright ugly. I don’t intend to be mean about this, but the reality is that beauty is a fleeting fantasy for most people. I also had to come to terms that I didn’t make a ravishing beauty when dressed up, either!

For the next few months, the cross-dressing temptations and urges died down tremendously. Only every once in a great while did I think of cross-dressing. When a temptation would come my way, instead of simply dismissing it or ignoring it, I dealt with it. For example, I would examine the thought and say in my mind, "Lord, I know I am the man you made me to be. I know you love me just the way I am. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I command Satan and his demons to flee." This worked without fail.

Then, one Saturday morning I awoke feeling free for the first time in many, many years. I know it sounds odd, but it was like an overnight final transition happened. Not only were there no cross-dressing temptations or feelings, but also the appetite for other fleshly actions were gone. I felt clean and free. The only thing I can figure is that God healed me in my sleep.


Some Common Questions
Here are some of the basic questions I had to deal with in my journey. They might not have the answers who want to hear, but to the best of my study and reasoning they represent a Biblical perspective.

Is cross-dressing A Sin?
This is probably the key question because if cross-dressing is not a sin, then it shouldn’t be a problem. You will find differing opinions on this, many of which are constructed by Christians (and non-Christians) who wish to justify cross-dressing as a harmless activity. I don’t want to condemn anyone as "sinner," because I have many other sins myself. I also understand where you are at. So please look at these as things to consider, not a condemnation.

True, about the only direct reference you will find on cross-dressing is in Deuteronomy buried in the Judaic code. If we use that verse for a reference we are on shaky ground because most of us do things like eat pork, which is also in there. Besides, the blood of Jesus has set us free from the law to follow a higher law of grace.

In my early struggles I reasoned that cross-dressing was not a sin because obviously men wear and have worn wigs for many years, actors wear makeup, etc. Although each piece of the picture can be taken alone as harmless human activity, when you combine all of the pieces for the overall effect of trying to pass as or become a person of the opposite sex, you have transcended into an entirely different realm. If cross-dressing was simply wearing a dress but acting like a male, then one could perhaps make the point they were doing a bad imitation of Milton Berle. But if you follow the path of many male to female cross-dressers you will find it leads to learning how to walk, talk and act like a female.

By shedding your masculinity and over-developing the feminine you are stepping outside of the role God has for you. This concept is even more important if you are a husband and father. It is very clear in scripture that God has ordained a specific order for the family where the husband is the spiritual leader. I know from experience that you can’t be the masculine spiritual leader of a family and a practicing cross-dresser without some kind of detrimental effect. One reason for this is that the spiritual leader should be active and not passive. Transcending into the female role or image is usually a passive role.

Another problem is when male children are involved and the father models a passive image. The children are likely to carry that image into their own marriages and experience all kinds of difficulties. Personally, it was very difficult for me to even discuss this subject with my two sons, much less let them see me in the act. My sons and I have a great relationship and I am teaching them the importance of active leadership in the home. Please don’t misunderstand me - I’m not advocating a domineering, heavy handed approach. I’m talking about leading our families as our loving Heavenly Father leads us.

Also keep in mind that something can be a sin even if there is no direct reference to it in the Word. You must submit an issue to the "whole test" of the Word. In other words, is the practice consistent with the overall teaching of the Bible? It is entirely possible to construct all kinds of arguments to justify a particular sin, even in the presence of numerous New Testament references indicating otherwise. One current example of this is the justification of homosexuality as Scripturally permissive.

The Bible also speaks to the issue that some things are permissible, but not all things are expedient. So, we can reason that some common sense and judgment is needed to make the call. If cross-dressing is a problem in your relationship to God, your wife, or anyone else close to you, then you might consider it as one of the not so expedient things to do.

I consider myself to be the kind of believer that could "eat meat sacrificed to idols" and it not bother me in the least. In other words, I am not a legalist. I don’t like to live by rules alone, but some are needed to establish boundaries.

While searching for an answer to the question of cross-dressing being a sin, I realized that I was looking for a black and white literal answer in the Word that was not there. My reasoning was that if the prohibition was not there, it was OK to cross-dress. Later, I realized that was the same attitude the Pharisees had in Jesus’ day - they would strain at observing all of the "must dos," but they would create all kinds of ways to follow the law literally while breaking it in spirit. It occurred to me that on this issue, I had become a legalist!

Let’s define sin as missing the perfect mark of God. As Christians we know that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) We also know that "the wages of sin are death." (Romans 6:23) The good news is that Jesus forgives all of our sins when we turn to him for forgiveness with a repentant heart.

So, for me, I believe cross-dressing is a sin because:

1. It is deception - Yes, most of us to some degree modify our appearance to cover imperfections and to look our best (although sometimes the modifications look worse than the imperfection!). However, to equate this with being completely transformed to look like the opposite sex is a huge leap of reasoning.

2. It violates God’s ordained gender role for a person - God doesn’t make mistakes, but Satan can take small hurts and flaws in our upbringing to cause gender confusion. This gender confusion can cause many kinds of relationship problems.

3. A cross-dressing father is a confusing model for children

4. cross-dressing is normally a very self-centered activity

5. It is not healthy for most marriage relationships. True, there are some exceptions to this, but most women I have spoken with on the subject indicate a) they want a masculine male as a husband and b) they don’t care to be in a virtual lesbian relationship with the other woman as their husband.

The real test of whether or not something is a sin is your comfort level in doing it in front of people you go to church with. For example, would you feel at ease dressing up and attending church "en femme?" If the answer to this question is "no" or if you feel guilt over cross-dressing, then it fails this test.

I do know that for many men who are in conflict between cross-dressing and their faith, the compulsion to cross-dress is a spiritual bondage. You dream about it at night, you read about it, you fantasize about it, and before long you want to go public. I personally would spend many hours on the Internet looking at web sites of other cross-dressers. When anything goes to this point of compulsion, there is a spiritual stronghold. The Lord is to be the center of our attention and the object of our praise. When I was set free from the bondage, I could finally see the issues much more clearly. It also helps to have someone to speak openly with. The more you bring the issue into the light the less power the bondage has over you. It is a very freeing experience to "confess your faults one to another that you may be healed." (James 5:16)

Finally, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal this answer to your own spirit. I can only give you my perspective. You must be convicted in your own spirit as to the right and wrong of cross-dressing before you can change.

Is it Possible to Change?
Most secular psychologists will tell you that a cross-dresser might go into remission, but will relapse during times of stress. They also say the same about homosexuals. I can’t give you my long term story yet, but I know I’m free from any desire to cross-dress. I can also point you to others who have been set free from cross-dressing, homosexuality, and other areas of sexual brokenness for many years. Of course, the secular media usually doesn’t report those cases.

(First Stone Ministries defines Sexual Brokenness as: Devastation brought about by behaviors outside of God's original intent of sexuality. These include adultery, promiscuity, homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual abuse, molestation, prostitution, pornography, transexuality and transvestitism.)

Yes, there is hope! It’s not easy and it’s not quick, but you can be set free by Jesus Christ. The first step is to follow the Lord’s way and not the world’s way. You must repent of your sin and ask the Lord to heal you. cross-dressing is a symptom of an inner hurt. To deal with the cross-dressing, you must first deal with your inner wounds.

In breaking the cycle of compulsion, you will also need to do spiritual warfare. An excellent resource for this are all of the Neil Anderson books. The titles are found at the end of this article.

Healing prayer, where your past and present hurts are healed by the Holy Spirit, is how the Lord ministers to you. You will likely need someone to intercede for you in this area, but it is one of the most powerful ways to be healed. Leanne Payne has written a wonderful book, Crisis in Masculinity, which describes the healing prayer process. You can find or order the book from your Christian bookstore.

Am I the Only One?
By no means! I don’t know of any firm statistics, but if cross-dressing is like any other activity, the church is slightly less than secular society in terms of percentages of people with addictions and compulsions. If this is true, then somewhere around 2 percent of men in our churches cross-dress. The problem is that not many people are aware of this or even believe it. I can tell you of a transgender ministry that has over 500 regular correspondents on transgender issues.

How Do I Tell my Wife and Family?
This is something that many cross-dressers really struggle with. In my case, I know my wife so well, that it was very natural to seek her help. But keep in mind, that I was coming from an attitude of repentance and confession. I would advise you to get Christian counseling in sexual brokenness issues to decide when and how to tell your mate. You and the your family will need support and a Christian counselor can be the person to help you through the rough spots. You will need to trust the Lord to prepare the hearts of those nearest to you.

Why Should I Stop cross-dressing?
I had a struggle with this myself. At first I felt almost a grief at giving up a fetish-like behavior I had clung to for comfort for almost 30 years. I can now say it was the best thing I ever did. My relationship with my wife and family is so much better than it was before I made the choice. I’m not proud of my past thoughts and actions of cross-dressing, but I am glad I made the choice to follow God’s leading in my life.

Actually, stopping cross-dressing was a result of dealing with all of the hurts and wounds of my past, taking them to the Lord, and getting healing from Him. I had tried simply quitting before but it never lasted because I was treating the symptom and not the problem. As my wife has remarked, "I had no idea there was even a problem in our marriage. Everything was just going along fine." The trouble was that I was living in my own private fantasy world and not dealing with reality. I was the spiritual leader of our family in name only.


A Final Word
Keep seeking the Lord. He will reveal all truth to you and "the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) In my victory over cross-dressing, I found it to be more of a truth battle as opposed to a power struggle with the enemy.

Also, look down the path to see where cross-dressing leads. If you examine closely what is on some of the more popular web sites, you will find graphic descriptions of bi-sexuality and infidelity. What goes in our minds usually works its way out into practice. Ask yourself if this is really what you want in your life.

Many of us in the Christian community have grown to see adultery as the "big sin" to be avoided. In doing so, we condone other behaviors that undermine the marriage relationship almost as much and are just as sinful to God. In cross-dressing, you can be "the other woman."

Consider what would happen if someone found out about your cross-dressing. There is great truth to the saying "Your sin will find you out." So, you need to give this some consideration before your reputation is affected.

Finally, and most importantly, God loves you with an everlasting love. You were in his thoughts when he created the world. He knows your every hurt and your every need. When you come to the end of yourself and feel you can go no lower, God is there to welcome you home. He and the angels will rejoice!

If this has been a help to you, feel free to respond at the bottom of this testimony. If you are the spouse or a family member of someone struggling with cross-dressing, please feel free to e-mail at the bottom of the testimony.

The following verse describes my motive in putting in taking a stand and putting this information on the web:

"Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. If you minister the brethren in these things, you will be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished in the words of faith and of the good doctrine which you have carefully followed. But reject profane and old wives’ fables and exercise yourself toward godliness." I Timothy 4: 1 - 7

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Notes by Caryn LeMur: 

The entire testimony has been reproduced verbatim.   

The date of the testimony is assumed to be on/after Father’s Day 1997, per correspondence with Randall Wayne.  However, an Internet search has shown that the testimony was reproduced on a website on/about 14 July 2002.  Therefore, the date of the testimony is presumed to be after Father’s Day 1997 and prior to 14 July 2002. 

The entire testimony is presumed to be copyrighted by the entity below: 

First Stone Ministries, 1330 N. Classen Blvd., Suite G-80, Oklahoma City, OK  73106-6586 •  405-236-HOPE. 

Per the entity’s instructions, the only mandatory restrictions for this posting is that we include the following notice:

"Additional articles and testimonies are posted at: www.firststone.org."

 

 

 

 

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