Telling your Child about your M2F CDing
When you plant a plant you don't just throw the seed on the soil and hope for
the best. You prepare the soil first in order to create an environment that will
be receptive to the seed. Information should be shared in the same way.
Carefully prepared groundwork is vital to the understanding of complicated
information. Your transgendered nature is complicated information that is
difficult for most people to understand, let alone a child. Just like with a
garden, there are many weeds and rocks in the soil that have to either be
removed, or at least understood, before your child will be receptive to your
Weeds and Rocks
Gender polarity . . . negative female images . . . laughable transgendered "role
models" . . . unfocused fear are all weeds in our soil. Our society waters these
diligently. The rocks of intolerance are also firmly buried in the soil. To
remove all these obstacles, and others, may seem like a daunting task. But it is
not impossible to remove at least some of the barriers in order to create enough
room for good roots to grow.
Prepare Good Soil
A child will be able to absorb information in an environment in which they feel
safe and secure. Rake the soil carefully and lovingly. Prepare good soil in
which to plant this unusual seed. Here are some tips:
1. If you currently use phrases like, "Don't throw like a girl," or "Stopping
acting like a sissy," stop using them immediately. This creates a negative image
of women, and your declaration of your female preference will be viewed as
excepting yourself as less than whom you should be.
2. Don't use sexist language in your speech. Avoid terms like fireman, or
policeman. Use instead the term "person." The reason is to show them that you do
not view women or girls in a negative or exclusive way. Establish healthy forms
of communication with them first. Stop being negative about
men or women.
3. Discuss the gender spectrum with them. (When you talk to them, get at their
eye level. Look them in the eye and talk with confidence. Body language is very
important. Try to be comfortable. Don't rush. You may even want to begin after
dinner, and while you are eating desert.)
Explain that on one end of the spectrum is the male. On the other end is the
female. Use this basic sort of spectrum:
Male 100% . . . . . 50% (balanced) 50% . . . . 100% Female.
Tell them that all of us have both genders in us. Very few people are 100%
anything. Ask them if they know anybody who is either 100% male, of 100% female.
This will open up a discussion as to what defines a woman and a man. Let them
tell you what the differences are. Children are usually very aware of gender
roles. Use their information to help define these gender roles. If you get stuck
on this, ask them if they know anybody at school who is "all boy" or "all girl."
Then ask them where they would fit on the gender spectrum. Your son may feel
compelled to say that he is 100% boy, or
your daughter 100% girl. If you think this will happen, tell him first that you
are somewhere in the middle. They will want to follow your lead somewhat. (Even
if you at this time in your life feel that you are 100% female, you should not
say this.) Go back in time and try to relate to them at their current age level.
Tell them how you felt when you were their age. Let them know that you often
preferred to play with the girls rather than the boys. If you are honest with
yourself, I'm sure you will be somewhere between 40% and 60% one or the other.
If your child insists on saying they are 100%, try and redefine the terms for
them. The point of this exercise is to "relate" to your children, not to show
them how different you are. After you redefine your terms, let them reevaluate
themselves. Do not "tell" them what you think, but let them tell you. After they
have settled on their place on the spectrum, then tell them were you think you
fit. Do not go in to a lengthy explanation as to why. Just let the information
sit out there. If they have questions, keep the answers about
yourself brief. Feel free however to discuss the information about them in
length and end the sessions with positive affirmations about what they have told
you. For them to admit this to you, is not unlike your coming out to them. This
is risky for them and you need to affirm your acceptance of them. Make this
about them first, and about you last.
As time goes on, try to bring this idea of the gender spectrum as it relates
to others. Talk about those you see on TV or around town. Say something
like, "Now he is 100% boy." -or- "I would guess that they are 50-50."
Make a game of it.
4. Continue the dialog. Children are mostly interested in how things will effect
them. Ask them how they feel about themselves. Are they doing well in school?
How are their friends treating them? Do they feel like they fit in? Share how
you felt in school. Some of the problems you had. Tell them
a story about your past. Tell it from the perspective of someone who is their
age. Talk mostly about your feelings. Ask them if they ever feel this way.
Children know that feelings are neither wrong or right.
5. Look for opportunities to affirm those in untypical gender roles. Women in
typically men's roles. Men in typically women's roles. Dignify the typical role
of women as much as you can. Tell them about women you respect, and why.
6. Be their friend. Let them in on your life. Tell them what you are doing and
why you are interested in it.
7. Do this for several months. The objective is to try to "un-condition"
them to what our society has been training them.
8. Dress up for Halloween, or a costume party of some sort. Have FUN with it.
Let them help you. Talk about how fun this is, and that you enjoy being someone
different. Ask who they would like to be, if they could be someone else. Take
advantage of this holiday, it is a real gift.
9. Talk about how much you enjoyed your time during Halloween. Tell them that
you sometimes have other opportunities to dress up and go out, and that it is a
lot of fun. Keep it positive and light-hearted. No details should be given.
10. Ask them if they have any "other identities" that they use. What is the name
that they use when they are on line? They may hesitate, but let them answer.
Most children have some sort of name that they use when playing online games, or
that they use as a password, or as an email name.
Ask them why they use that name. Share your fem-name with them and tell them
that you use it while you are online, just like they use their name. Don't be
afraid of this. Make it age specific in terms of how you relate this to them. It
can be as simple as, "I use a fem name so that no one will
know my real name. I like the fem name because it gives me a chance to relate to
11. Let them get used to these ideas. Let them become common place. Hint at the
fact that you have been working on your female persona and you are getting much
better at it. You will have to show them someday. Wear some gender neutral
clothing around the house if you can. DO NOT WEAR YOUR WIFE'S CLOTHING! I have a
couple of tops that I wear which are female, but I bought them for me because
they are comfortable. Straight lines, solid colors, pants and cotton or knit
tees/sweater-shirts. Female shoes are also easy to find. Your female shoe size
will be 2 sizes larger than the male size. Clogs, slippers, tennis shoes and
simple flats are all good.
12. When they have seen you in "fun" drag a couple of times, show them a couple
of your more tame photos, and explain how proud you are at how good you have
gotten with transformations. Ask them what they think. Do they think you did a
good job? What advise can they give? How can you become more convincing?
1. Don't give too much information all at once. Remember, they are only
interested in how it effects them. Keep it light-hearted and short. Children may
give you support, but do not come to them looking for it, nor should you solicit
2. Avoid unwanted discovery. It is best to inform rather than be discovered.
Having a child "find" pictures or emails is rarely ever good. It is best to show
them information and explain it in a non-threatening way. Do not talk about
transitioning with them until it becomes completely
unavoidable. By this time they will already know if you are, and will be
hopefully acclimated to it. My children know of my online activities and know
about my name "Kathy."
3. Don't be selfish. Children need to feel safe. Make sure that they know they
4. Remind them about confidences. If you've done your soil tilling properly,
your children should be OK with your CDing and transgendered information. My
son, in fact, began with pride in telling his friends about me. I had to remind
him that sometimes it is important, within a family, to feel safe and so some of
the things I tell him should be kept in confidence (NOT IN SECRET). Do not use
the word "secret", it carries with it the idea of shame. However if they do tell
their friends, usually this will be a positive thing, because your children will
present it in a positive light.
5. Never panic. When someone learns of your T-nature, just smile and share with
enthusiasm your freedom and interest.
6. Don't Shock. Gathering the family together for a general announcement is
fatal 99% of the time. Having "Bernie" disappear for two hours only to come back
as "Bernice" is a terrible way to confront your loved ones with this important
news. It is lazy and selfish. If you wish to do this, Jerry
Springer will be glad to book you.
7. Don't wait to begin. The tilling of the soil is important regardless whether
or not you plan on telling your children directly. Begin giving them information
now and reinforce that information when you can. If they end up "finding out"
information on your CDing by accident, they will have a good framework
established in which to understand and process it. I spent months preparing my
children to receive the information and by the time I told them, their response
for the most part was, "That's interesting. So dad, what's your point?"
8. Above all, don't forget to pray!
God bless you,
God is never any further away than
your knees are from the floor.
(Perhaps even closer.) :)