The Devil Made Me
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This was a question and reply posted on the TG Christian list. I think it excellent in many respects.

The devil Made Me Do It

Karen wrote:

 My mom still seems to think this is all Satan’s  doing. The cding and all. She feels it was Ole  Scratch who first put the idea into my head some 30 years ago as a child that I could dress in women’s clothes. All about rebellion or something. Problem is at times I believe her. Whenever she gets on these tangents something always happens  to me that is weird enough to say God is trying to send me some kind of message. Needless to say, self acceptance is  very elusive and hard to attain here. I love my mom dearly and I know she just has my best interest at heart, but it seems I am just coming to terms with what the ‘serenity’ prayer really means. I can’t tell if God is using her to try to get through to me, or the devil is using her to try and break my spirit. I am confused. How do I deal with this?

 

Dear “Karen”

All Satan’s doing.  That is a mouth full!  I have had similar thoughts myself. Many a long night was spent lamenting and pleading for deliverance from what I thought was my “demon” of CDing.   Even after I had accepted who I was, and embraced God’s gift of Grace in a new and total way, I still thought it was unfair that I had to deal with this issue. 

I have accepted myself now.  I have a supportive wife and children, but still, every now and then I stop and think, “What in the heck am I doing?” 

The painful truth is that we live in a damaged sinful world.  Everyone was born with the birth defect of a sinful nature.

(Bear with me here) On one hand your mother is right, in that so much of what we do is sin.  Most of our actions start off innocently enough.  I know when I dress as female, I don’t do it to offend God.  It is not malicious on my part.  It dose not harm anyone.  Yet there is a stigma attached to it that is a “reflection of the fall”.  (Actually that is one of the things about it that I now value; it kept me humble when I could of become very self-righteous.)  You see, I was raised in the Christian Church and followed all the rules (I knew about) to the letter. I always loved and feared the Lord and when a choice came to follow Christ or the World, I would typically choose Christ. I had a reputation as being a very strong man of God.

However, I always had this thorn in the flesh, CDing.  I truly believed that God would cure me of this affliction.  I thought God would do so through my marriage.  I thought, as time went on, the feelings would fade with age.  I thought to encourage this process is what God wanted. 

The problem was, “I thought.”  God did not tell me to do this, rather I, my mom and society did.  Had I ever asked God what His plan was?  I had assumed.  I had assumed it was sin, “just because”, and so sought to claim God’s promise for deliverance.  God however told me after years of battling my female side, to stop fighting.  God told me that my “thorn in the flesh” would not be removed and that He had a plan for me just as I was.  I was not going to be changed. (This happened in many ways with more than one confirmation.)

So is it sin?  Perhaps, perhaps not. Money can either be a blessing or a curse.  CDing is similar.  Whatever you do, do so in faith. For some CDing is most certainly an extension of their sexual sinful indulgences.  At times it is so for me as well.  But there is also an identity issue that is VERY needful.  If I did not get out every now and then, I would not be a very happy person to live with.  It is my therapy.  So which is worse?

The point is that regardless, I know that I am a sinner and still need to rest on the Mercy of my Father in heaven.  When I was young I thought that to become spiritual meant to become more “sin free”.  As I have gotten older I realize that to become more spiritual is to gain knowledge of the truth of my sinful condition, and to rely on God’s grace offered through the cross for my righteousness.  As the bible says, “Even our righteousness is like filthy rags.”

How do I know this? Because the Bible teaches us that God is not the one who accuses, that is Satan’s job.  God offers forgiveness for those who are willing to admit that they need him. If we judge each other we align ourselves with evil. And so we are not doing the work of God, but the work of Satan. (Read Romans) When we try and justify our sins we also make the mistake of justifying our sinful nature.  It is better to admit that in all areas of our life, we are sinful (short of the mark) and so need God in everything that we do. 

When Jesus was presented with similar accusations, in regard to himself or others, He did not defend his or others actions, rather he included an even broader definition of Sin so that all those listening would be forced into the uncomfortable position of having to deal with their own shortcomings.  He always raised the spiritual bar so that no one could claim victory in the flesh.

Sorry, this is long winded.  All this to say, admit you need Christ daily.  If someone accuses you of being a sinner, accept it, and say “Yes, but God forgives me.  If he no longer holds it against me, who are you to judge me?” 

For me, God has allowed and is using my “T” nature.  I have faith that God will, as in every area of my life, redeem my actions for the advancement of His kingdom.  God has not cured me of my “sinful nature” but He does redeem it.  After all, what else do I have to give Him, but who I am?

Love, and God bless, - Kathy Randall

 

Last modified: 12/24/13